The conversation I had with my doctor this week is not the one you’re likely expecting…
At my previous appointment in July I was 12 pounds lighter, my lipid panel and blood pressure and AC1 and all other numbers were perfect.
I have printouts but I have no idea how to read them. My doc gave me an A+ though, and said I should keep up whatever I’m doing.;)
I’m 43 years old, by the way. I’m 5′ 4.5″ tall and currently weigh 138.6 pounds.
But the conversation I had with my doctor this week was about something totally different. And what he said came as a complete SHOCK…
This photo was taken a couple of weeks ago (with my selfie stick) the day I climbed the ridiculous fire tower.
I look fine there, right? I felt fine. I feel fine (well, mostly).
I had a routine checkup on Tuesday. I got up and showered, put on make-up even, threw on a skirt and even wore my jewelry. I think I looked “totally normal.” That’s what I was going for anyway. 🙂
In hindsight, that may have been like an alcoholic hiding the bottles -lol.
We went over my current numbers and health profile real quick, then Doc turned to me and said “I’d like to put you on Citalopram.” He explained it was an antidepressant, that it was mild, and that he felt strongly I should at least try it.
The surprise and confusion had to be written all over on my face.
I responded calmly with, “Do I seem depressed?” And just as the words rolled off my tongue tears popped up in my eyes out of nowhere. (I felt busted.)
I explained to Doc that sure I was a little down, but I’m doing all the right things. I told him I’m exercising, getting sunshine, eating well, I joined a local hiking group, I’m going to sign up for swing dancing classes.
He smiled nicely and said, “That’s because you’re a Type A Personality.”
I took that as a compliment. 🙂 lol
But what came out of my mouth next surprised ME…
I said, “I never wanted to be a Type A. I never wanted to have to do everything on my own, or work so hard to take care of myself on my own. I wanted to grow up and get married and be taken care of and feel safe.”
Did I mean that? I don’t know how true that is (that you can feel safe and secure inside a family or marriage) as I’ve never had that, but it HAS always appealed.
Especially those times I was home alone recovering from a surgery on my own, or taking care of two children while I had a nasty flu and could hardly take care of myself, or when I just had to “ride it out” through tough times (10 months of hormone therapy, getting myself OFF an antidepressant that backfired on me, etc).
I don’t think people are meant to live in isolation. I’m not one of these people that believes you have to be happy on your own before you can be happy with others. I think your overall well-being is strongly tied to your relationships, your sense of belonging, and that love and human interaction are necessary parts of a healthy life.
I was in tears at this point, and reluctantly accepted the prescription – knowing in the back of my mind that he was right, but hating that it must have been THAT obvious.
I looked it up when I got home. It’s commonly known as Celexa and is also used to treat anxiety, panic and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
I honestly don’t know how I feel about taking it. I like being OCD and Type A. 😛 I mean, what if it makes me less productive or less driven or less… ME? *sigh*
Still, I haven’t been sleeping more than 3 or 4 hours at a time (even if I take 2 benedryl – ack!), I’m having nightmares again, and lately I’ve been having to force myself to eat. I’ve lost my desire to cook altogether and just make things to get by. Which is obvious by yesterday’s meals (below).
I know me. Not eating is my new replacement for emotional eating. So yes, I’ve seen and felt and was completely aware of the warning signs.
It does help that I have the accountability of these daily food diaries I share with you, because that motivates me to at least TRY.:) And I *have* been eating, even when I don’t feel like it. Like I said, I’m doing all the right things to get myself through this.
I knew all of this. I know me, and I’m good at taking care of me. I’ve just been powering through. But I knew it enough that I’d ordered and tried an all natural plant-based supplement on Amazon prior to that appointment this week. It didn’t work for me unfortunately, it just made me feel dull and have blurry vision.
Still it’s depressing that it showed, enough so that my doctor picked up on it without even blinking. That really bummed me out (even more). I thought I was doing so well at smiling my way through this one… 🙁
Friday’s Low Carb Meals:
I had my usual healthy low carb breakfast of pecans, cottage cheese & berries. I stir it all together and it reminds me of cereal…
For lunch I just grabbed a few easy things: 30 grams of seasoned almonds, a Laughing Cow creamy swiss wedge, and the Vermont Smoke & Cure BBQ Beef Stick that came in my last Keto Krate. My stick (bbq) was 2 carbs. It was okay, not something I’d buy to eat again. Mostly I just needed a quick bite to eat…
I had eggs for dinner. It’s just 2 large eggs scrambled with colby jack cheese in real butter. Easy. 🙂
When I got hungry again I grabbed some colby jack cheese & almonds…
Then, about 5 hours later, after a real downer of an evening, I was curled up in bed watching my show on the DVR feeling very down… and hungry. *sigh*
At this point I’m just annoyed at being hungry. Food is such a chore when you don’t feel like cooking or shopping (or going out) and you’re sick of snacks. I envy my Great Dane who has this same bowl of kibbles that is magically (heh) always full and ready.
Anyway, I got up and grabbed what I could find: some cream cheese, peanut butter, and a few sugar-free chocolate chips I found hiding up in the cabinet.
Here’s My MyFitnessPal Diary for Friday:
Macronutrients: Simple Explanation Of Low Carb Macros
How To Get A Net Carbs Column in MyFitnessPal
Calories: 1974
Net Carbs: 27
Total Carbs: 43
Protein: 70 Grams
80% Fat, 14% Protein
Exercise: (None)
Fitbit Steps: 3,123
Water: 48 ounces
I’ve gone from only sleeping 3-4 hours at a time to feeling tired all the time. Yesterday I logged over 11 hours of sleep, lol. Geez. I really have to get back on track here…
That “late night bite” blew my carb count for the day, and I see now that I didn’t even log the chocolate chips. I didn’t weigh them out either. 😛
We all go through tough times.
I don’t know how I feel about the word “depression” and I do know I feel very anxious about taking an anti-depressant. I’m 43, it’s not like I haven’t tried that before.
I just keep thinking it’ll pass, that I’m simply sad for legitimate reasons, I know all the right things to do to pull through this, yada yada yada.
This WILL pass. And I do know how to take care of myself. I’ve had to do it on my own all my life. For starters, I need to get back to serious amounts of exercise, as that’s a natural cure. The fact that I don’t feel like eating OR moving makes it hard, but I’m determined to push myself.
Someone asked me today (and this is not the first time I’ve been asked this) why I always eat sausage instead of bacon. I do like bacon…
As a single woman I find a tube of sausage is easy because I can slice it frozen off the tube and just cook what I want. It’s much harder to pull off strips of frozen bacon, lol.
When I do get bacon I tend to get sick of it before I eat the whole pound. That goes for a lot of things though, like having to eat SIX spinach burgers last week. 😛
I’m so lonesome for someone to share bacon with…
My husband left almost 17 years ago. My children have grown up and left home. I was engaged last year, that ended 14 months ago. I’d give anything for someone to eat bacon with, or just for someone to share meals with period.
For now though, I’m staying focused on my goals. Not just my health goals with food & fitness, but career goals and things I’m working on around the house as well. I’ve decided not to date for awhile, not until 2017 at least. I have some things I want to accomplish first…
That’s me “taking care of myself” of course. I made a list of things I want to change in my life, things I feel will improve my life, etc and I have been working non stop on those things lately. Type A, OCD, or whatever you want to call it (lol)… at least I’m taking personal responsibility, and taking control.
I will just say one last thing… sending someone home alone with a bottle of pills when you think they’re depressed seems like a stupid thing to do. Not just for the obvious reason, but also because many anti-depressants can backfire on you. Like that time many years ago that I tried Zoloft – and learned what “crazy” REALLY was (lol, ack!). I don’t personally think it’s safe to try new medications when you’re home alone and there’s no one around to make sure you’re in check.
That scares me. And makes me feel even more alone in the world.
Best,
Lynn Terry,
aka @LowCarbTraveler
p.s. Halfway through writing this, I had to run to the store before they closed… and I bought bacon. 🙂
Discount Code: LOWCARBTRAVELER
Thank you for sharing, Lynn. You are such a gift to the Low-carb Community. I’ve learned so much from your posts. I’m wishing you the best. Sending healing energy your way. <3
Thank you for sharing. I feel some of what you do. Nice that you feel comfortable enough in your own skin to share with your fanbase. I think your doctor would not have sent you home with pills if he felt it was a danger. Good on him for seeing all that you were trying to hide. I like reading your threads. Please keep working towards your goals. You are an inspiration to others, not just for losing weight, but for sticking with something.
Lynn,
You are not alone, we all love you! We being your fans, the ones you inspire every day. I too take Celexa and find it has worked for me. I wish you luck and will be.praying for you!
Lynn,. You are such an inspiration to me and I have kept up this woe bc of your help and encouragement! If you ever need an ear, text or email me. You have so many people who care!
Lynn, you are the very bomb. Thanks for so eloquently, and bravely, giving voice to feelings that many of us share with you. I hope you know how much you are valued, bravely forging on where the rest of us hope to follow.
Not sure my original post went through. I just wanted to thank you for posting your thoughts. I feel some of what you do. I applaud your doctor for seeing you as you are and not as you hoped. I doubt that he would have sent you home with a drug that he feared you would abuse. I enjoy reading your threads. Keep plugging towards your goals. You are inspirational to us who need to get there too. Not only with weight, but just knowing others are struggling with meeting goals of any kind. Hang in there.
Hey you know you can freeze bacon. I do. Take out what you don’t think you can use and put a piece in individual snack bags and put the snack bags in a gallon freezer bag and freeze. Then just pull out a baggie or two when you need some bacon. It defrosts pretty quickly.
Ty for sharing. I have bad depression. and have trouble leaving the house. Also get tired of being alone. I get your email, and love the recipes. You make living low carb simple. Thank you for sharing your life with so many. hugs, Karen
OMG Lynn! You are not alone! Your fans, followers, and admirers LOVE you! We believe in you! You have helped us so much. I understand the loneliness. I’d love someone to eat bacon with too. Where is he hiding????? You hang in there and take care of you. Thank you for being so real. I think you are fantastic.
I just read your message re: bacon. I’m sorry you are going through this and I feel sharing with your low carb community will probably help you. Sometimes we all need to vent and living alone as you do is not always easy. I lost my husband 8 yr ago and even though I’m used to being alone, there are times when it really sucks. I have wonderful friends , children and grandchildren, but when you come home and close the door, you are alone. I follow the low carb lifestyle but because I am alone, I have become lazy and have no desire to cook for myself. This site helps me so much because of your honesty and also the efforts of members posting recipes and pictures. I hope you feel better, but know you can vent whenever necessary. We all do!!!!! βΊ thanks for being there for all of us
Lynne, thanks for sharing. I’m not surprised though. The past week or so reading your posts, I thought you seemed down. I decided it was depression because your Hardee’s is still closed! I’m 60 and single. My husband passed away 15 years ago and I’ve just recently come to the conclusion that I’m stuck. I haven’t really moved forward since he’s been gone. I go through the motions but I just don’t care. I’ve put on 84 pounds since he died and I know LCHF is how to lost it but I can’t find the “want to” to do it. I can talk the talk but I just don’t care about walking the walk! I have a cabinet full of almond and coconut flour, coconut oil, flax seed, and sugar free stuff; but I don’t do anything with it. I have to find the motivation somewhere because I don’t want my kids or my sisters to have to take care of me. Where do you find the “want to” to do what you need to do when you’re not a Type A?
lol @ my Hardee’s π That IS depressing! haha
I worried it showed. Here more than anywhere, because honestly I haven’t talked to anyone or been around anyone other than my postings here.
I wouldn’t have said anything at all, except I feel like my meals and food choices are questionable, and wanted to say… why.
I don’t think I’m truly Type A. I just don’t have anyone to rely on or depend on, and am stuck doing everything myself – not just for myself, but for my kids as well.
Unfortunately they don’t have anyone else either – no father, grandparents, aunts & uncles, no family outside of me. I feel a huge sense of pressure to provide for them. Not just financially, but to provide an example and an inspiration. I want them to live bigger fuller lives than I got to, and I’d like to “live more” myself now that I’m free to do that…
I don’t have that “want to” every day. Some days I just want to crawl in a hole and pull the hole in behind me. π I just keep pushing myself. I’m not really sure why. Maybe because it makes life more fulfilling – worth getting up every day for.
The truth is… I’m tired.
I would love to have a break from the pressure, the upset, the obligations, the goals, the expectations of me. I’m trying to eliminate the bits of that I can, and do my best with the rest.
Thank you for sharing! It really struck a chord.. I buy my bacon at Winco and portion it out with parchment paper and freezer bags, same with my sausage.
So much “realness”in this. THANK YOU FOR BEING REAL. I can relate to every aspect of this post. Enjoy your bacon β€οΈ
you can freeze bacon and cut it with a knife across the slices, a one inch cut equals one slice! I even start cooking it on low when it is still frozen.
Take care, Lynn. Have faith that your person is out there. We are here for you now though.
I feel your pain I think you’re in good company! I feel eating bacon alone is sooo much better you can eat as much as you want! Also, consider CBD before drugs a little at a time till you find what works for you. Maybe you should add a page for LowCarb Lonely Hearts Club Matchup and do us all a favor!
Dearest Lynn. I don’t even know where to begin to tell you how loved and appreciated you are. First…thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. Even though we are not physically with you I think it’s safe to say that we all feel so close to you. I know that I look for your posts every morning and enjoy reading about not just your meals but about how you deal with lifes ups and downs. You are such an inspiration every single day. I’m sorry you are going through this hard time…but I have faith in your strength and hope and pray you feel a bit better every day
My heart is full for you tonight. Wish I didn’t live so far away… me and Gus (my 3-brain cell mutt) would come over and go for a walk with you and Slim. π
That would be SO nice, Karen. π There’s another dane owner here in town that I keep trying to talk into walking with us, but I can’t seem to make that friend connection work.
It’s a very odd small town. I’m not from here, so even though I’ve lived here for maybe 13 years (?) I still feel very much like an outsider.
Lynn,
Please know that you’re not alone…we’re all virtual friends, and it was so brave of you to share what you’re experiencing. This might not make you feel better, but know that it’s better to be on your own than to be stuck and lonely in a relationship. The grass may seem greener, but it’s not…its just different grass. No one can tell you what’s the right thing for you…only you can decide that. You inspire me daily…we all have our stuff to deal with, so please don’t feel alone in this. You rock and you should know that!
Hey Lynn
I just wanted to say I have take Lexapro for many years. It does t make me feel weird or sluggish or anything odd. But it does help me feel. I feel more engaged, ‘more alive, and when I really notice they are helping is when I decide to stop taking because I feel fine. Supposedly I become a bitch on wheels. It’s no different than a blood glucose pill or a high blood pressure pill. It’s a necessity to keep your body systems running smoothly.
The only side effects were for the first two weeks. Dry mouth. Dry like the desert! And a queasy tummy where nothing seems to taste right. The. You wake up after those few weeks and you feel fine. I hope you’ll try them. Feel free to call if you hav any questions!!
Lyn…..it is so weird that you posted this about antidepressant meds. At my Dr. App. Last week, my doctor prescribed an antidepressant for me too because i told him about my problems with insomnia
It is not Celexa though.
I asked him if it causes weight gain. You know some antidepressants do cause weight gain. Well THAT would really make me more depressed if that would happen
I never told my doc i was depressed either
I have yet to fill the med and honestly i am afraid to take it
I need to do more research on the med before i try it
I asked my doc the same thing, Gina. π He said it was not a side effect. He’s aware of my ketogenic diet and supports it fully – thankfully.
I just took my 4th dose. I didn’t take it the first night. I sat it on my bedside table and just fell asleep staring at it. I’m not sure when to expect it to kick in, he said within a week or so, but I’m scared to death of it to be honest.
I’m afraid being at home alone, and not knowing how it will affect me – or if I would be lucid or rational enough to get help, or realize I needed it I mean. I say that after my horrid experience with Zoloft many years ago, which was really scary. At least back then the kids were still in and out.
Are you going to take yours? I had decided I wasn’t, then I just started taking it. I know I’m not okay right now, and I don’t know which scares me most.:(
I might try it just to see if it will help with my anxiety issues so i can sleep at night
I am afraid to take these meds. I do not want a flat affect and become a zombie
Sometimes antidepressants can cause more depression. I do not think meds is the answer. I think exercise helps and beig anle to talk it out. I am glad you were able to talk about this with us. Admitting that there is a problem is the first step to recovery and healing
Lyn, you have been such a great inspiration to me. I wish i could be as disciplined as you are with your eating. I do not log everything i eat and count carbs like you do and so meticulously.
I am sure i can speak for most of us here that you are our low carb guru…i would not have started losing again or staying on track if i had not found your blog and fb group
You are appreciated my friend, more than you could ever imagine
We are all your friends and we are here to support you as well. Do not fall into that black hole of depression. You have come to far for that.
Zoloft is a nightmare i have heard
If that med is not helping then you should discuss it with your MD.
Have you tried. ST. JOHN’S WORT—-an all natural supplement that helps with depression. Also chocolate. π it can be Sugar Free. π
Lynn, I had the same experience not too long ago. I went in to go over labs (which had improved a lot) and left with a Rx for Celexa. The eyes are the window to the soul and doctors can see things even when we are subconsciously hiding them. When they ask and you start crying, that’s a pretty good sign. Definitely made me realize she was right. LOL
Don’t be scared to take the meds. Keep in mind that they start you on a low dose (typically about 10 mg I believe) and then gradually up the dose if it’s not helping.
Please feel free to contact me anytime you need to talk! In the meantime, I’ll be praying for you. If you pray, ask God to prepare and send the man he has for you. We have within us an innate desire to love and be loved so it’s no surprise to me that you feel lonely. Especially now that the your nest is empty.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
Glennette
I also am depressed, part of it is losing my husband, just before our first Anniversary, but also feeling like I’m always having health problems. Thee knee injury and surgery was just healed when the tumor and full Hysterectomy came up, since then I just feel off, but its only been 5 weeks and Tuesday I see my Primary Dr. to discuss everything and all my bloodwork, she tested everything so we will see.
Hi Lynn- gosh your story sounds remarkably similar to mine in terms of being alone, trying to stick to goals, and the type a personality- and most especially the depression part. Sending you hugs.
The things you laid out there sound so much like my daughter. I just want to hug you. You are very brace to share with the whole world how you’re feeling. Many hugs for you Lynn. I hope the meds help you to feel better.
My heart goes out to you that you’re lonely, I can tell from your blog that you’re someone who needs a connection with people, in fact I think that’s probably the whole point of it.
Personally I’m the opposite, I’m more a Type B introvert, I need my alone time and I get very overwhelmed if there are too many people around for too long. And no one ever needs to tell me to slow down and take it easy, In fact I slightly envy you the Type A Traits because it takes massive effort to motivate myself to do anything which is why I don’t have a blog myself.
I would say that having a Man to take care of you probably isn’t the solution, and I think you probably know that from experience. Men usually take a lot of taking care of, physically and mentally, and if you are at a vulnerable point in your life you run the risk of choosing one who will take advantage of that vulnerability and use it to control you.
Also I wonder if you don’t have a deep down need to take care of people anyway, most of us do, it’s part of being human. If your kids especially don’t need much taking care of and there is no one else around have you thought of volunteering for a local befriending scheme for the disabled or an adopt a granny scheme? You say exercise is a natural cure for depression, but I’ve found that helping others is also very effective, you would also be helping someone else with their loneliness, and increasing your self esteem and feelings of usefulness.
I second that! Sometimes when I’m at a loss and just off kilter and just not myself i force myself to do something nice for someone. It’s usually my crabby aunt that benefits as she’s dependent on others for grocery shopping and doctor appointments and all that. I hate admitting that i have to force myself to do this sometimes, but it always straightens me out. You’ve got awesome support and many are thinking of you during this challenge.
((Tight Hugs to you.)) We are all here for you to listen, support, whatever you need. Sending good vibes and loving thoughts your way. XOXOXO.
Lynn, I always appreciate your honesty and I can relate, being first born, Type A Personality too, and I never thought I was OCD till last year, (just turned 56…ha! π ) I caught myself always fixing the towels, everything has to be in IT’S place…lol! I have no reason and I mean NO reason to be depressed, but I have found this to be the case at times and it sucks. Have you ever heard of the book: You can heal your life by Louise Hay, she is so wonderful and has had a very tough life. This is what she says about depression: Anger you feel you do not have a right to have. Hopelessness. This is her affirmation to say for it: “I now go beyond other people’s fears and limitations. I create my life.” I think you are really smart not taking any medication when you are not with others and I never like taking anything to just try to fix symptoms and not get to the underlying issue. You are a WISE and SMART woman!!! Don’t ever forget that!! Kudo’s to you! Cyber HUG!!! π xx
Lynn, I’m right there with you. Doc put me on an anxiety med because I wasn’t sleeping. I balked at first, but when it helped I conceeded I truly did need it. I’m still struggling with the food… right now I’m fasting because the carbs were sneaking back in. At least you stayed strong with the lchf! Bit by bit we make progress. Progress, not perfection. Hugs.
Lynn,
Thank you for your honesty and openness. You have made me feel quite normal, thank you for that too. I was recently at a therapist (2 weeks ago) who told me, no one ever died from a lonely heart. That just made things worse, not better. Needless to say, I didn’t make another appointment.
I just want to say, you are not alone, a lot of people have been helped by your guidance with sharing your low carb life style, and now people can identify with you and this part of your life too. People care so much about you Lynn, even if it is just Cyber space, it is real caring!
Be brave, do as your doctor advises, the medication isn’t a permanent fixture, as much as you push yourself to exercise, happy endorphin’s will rule once again !!
Our stories are so much alike, it is unreal. it’s like you took the words right out of my mouth. If you ever want to come to the quad cities, I’ll take time off and I will take you to starved rock state park. I know you would love it!
“no one ever died from a lonely heart.”
That is so NOT true, and I cannot believe a trained professional would even say that. I don’t blame you for not going back. π
Lynn,
First and foremost , I love your honesty. <3
I am a travel nurse and during long commutes I pass the time with audiobooks. I am currently listening to Moody Bitches by Julie Holland. It covers everything from hormones, men, sex, relationships, diet(she's a proponent of low carc π and depression. It covers all that it is to be a woman. It makes me wonder why any one would choose it if it were a choice. But ultimate it explains so many of the base instincts that drive us. Give it a try. I suggest audio over hard copy because she can be very clinical which can be off putting if you were reading it.
The author, like you!, is very real and injects humor often. Just a suggestion. We are all linked very closely to our genetics and it's a difficult thing to stray from no matter how hard we try.
Sincerely
Cindy.
Hi Lynn,
Sending hugs. It’s apparent by all the comments that you are loved! It’s not the same as having someone close by for a real hug, but I hope you feel supported. Praying for your health and well being. You are strong, I wish you could take so time just to pamper you and get some needed rest! xx. Donna B.
You know how you read subject lines in emails to decide whether or not to open them? I saw that you had been to your doctor, and I thought, no need to read. He said her blood work was amazing and this WOE is so good for her. But I decided to read it anyhow, and it was just one of those things, when God knows you need to read something. I was diagnosed by a counselor with dysthymia about a year ago. It’s kind of a low-grade depression, or as she described it, not a full-blown flu, just like a cold that never quite goes away. (Oh, and I do have a cold that is hanging on lately, come to think of it!) That completely describes me, although the past two weeks or so have been especially bad. I haven’t really cooked a meal for my kids in weeks. I keep food in the house (although with teenage boys and visits from my older kids who haven’t grocery shopped for themselves in a while the food goes quickly!) but I let them make their own burgers, sandwiches, chicken whatever. Sometimes I’ll cook the meal for them even though they can do those simple things themselves, because I know it won’t be long before there are no kids left in the house (and I raised 8 alone after my divorce.) I tried buying convenience foods for them but God bless them, they rejected the processed stuff! They don’t drink pop, rarely drink juice, never ask for chips or candy or dessert. They want healthy food around. So I keep it around, I just don’t make any elaborate meals. I am depressed, but like you, Lynn, I’d rather try to change behaviors and wait out a rough time in life and see how that works out rather than risk the side effects of medications. We’ll see. But I am so grateful for your honesty, and so glad that I opened this email.
Interesting that your doctor picked up on that. I went to the doctor about 12 years ago (last time I’ve ever been) and told him I felt depressed and he wouldn’t give me anything. He told me I needed to evaluate my life and make some changes. He told me giving me meds would just cover up the underlying issues and once I went off the meds the issue would still be there. At the time I had 3 kids 5 and under, I was a stay at home mom also. So I took his advice and started making changes. I joined a mothers group where we got together once a week and did fun things. I was lonely (even though I was married and had 3 kids, I was stuck home all day with no adult interaction). I made lots of small changes and it did help. This was just my experience and I’m not saying it meds aren’t necessary. I hope you find the change you are looking for. I live in a small town also and did not grow up here and totally understand the outsider feeling. I don’t think I could live here alone. I go to kids functions and feel completely isolated. I couldn’t imagine being single and going thru it. I’d have to choose a friendlier town!
Big (((hugs))) Lynn. You know we are all here for you but I know that isn’t the same.
Hey, WOMAN!
Wow…was amazed to read this! My heart goes out to you. You are very brave!
Just wanted you to know…how about…letting GO of the lists, the lists, THE LISTS! Just go with the flow and let things happen. You are always SO IN CONTROL! How about try being spontaneous?! π Just BE. You are so disciplined. How about TRYING LIFE as it is. Just BE and DO. No list of things of HOW TO DO IT RIGHT or having to do it a certain way. YOU are holding yourself back. YOU stop YOURSELF because it’s the right thing to do. Well, it’s not. Just live your life. Give yourself until January 2017 to stop having a schedule, a list, or anything else that is structured to HOLD YOU DOWN! Go to work, exercise, eat low carb, but NO PLANNING! If you gain weight, you gain weight! We KNOW you can take it back off! STOP PUNISHING yourself to make yourself feel BETTER. You are NOT better. Depression is creeping back because it KNOWS you are living a FAKE LIFE! Stop it! Just BE! Try that, HERO! π We all are rooting for you!!! Hang in there and try something TOTALLY different! <3
Interesting thoughts, Tamme π
I actually DID take a good 6 months off of my usual routine and life/career goals, during which time I tanked myself financially and created a whole world of stress with unfinished projects and dropping the ball on things – both personal and professional.
That time helped me personally, but backfired because now I’m having to clean up the mess, lol. π Literally, because my work and home are both a cluttered craziness that I now have to deal with too, lol.
Getting things back in order, or starting to at least, has made me feel TONS better the last couple of weeks. π
I don’t feel like I’m punishing myself in any way, or leading a fake life. I’m really enjoying figuring out what my “new life” is (or can be) now that the kids are raised and I didn’t get married as planned last year.
The whole word feels full of potential, for the fun & exploration. π
Unfortunately the last few years have just been really HARD. It was a slew of events every 6 months that were like mountains to overcome. My last child leaving home, my precious Molly dying suddenly, my engagement ending abruptly and unexpectedly, losing my best friend of years, etc.
I’ve done exceptionally well through it all. I took the time to grieve, I have made positive changes, I’ve taken good care of myself through it all.
Withdrawing and taking the 6 month hiatus from things I normally do (social, travel, meetups, friends, work projects, etc) was something I needed to do in order to process all of the loss and change. But it’s time to get back to work, back to goals, and back to things that make me feel truly happy…
Hello, again!!! π
I know you’ve had a rough few years! That’s putting it mildly! π Last child leaving, Molly passing (SO SAD) and the broken engagement…that’s ROUGH! Still…you kept moving. You have always been here for us. But, are you THERE for YOURSELF? Your world of “cluttered craziness” is created by you. Are YOU creating your own mountains to climb? Do you really have TIME to keep climbing them? Give yourself a BREAK from THAT! π Just BE…continue to work, exercise and eat right, but with NO expectations. Give your mind time to think and wonder and be still. You are always moving. Whether it’s a goal, work project, or whatever, you are always moving like a little busy bee. You TRULY need to take time for yourself while you are on a day off from work or just a few minutes of a lunch hour or some time you can sneak from each day.
I’m glad you took time to grieve and were able to make positive changes ~ all the while taking care of yourself, but that was just the PHYSICAL LYNN. The mental LYNN was noticed by the doctor and then by YOU who only admitted to maybe being a LITTLE depressed after he noticed. YOU are in there…come out when you are ready. π That’s what I meant by “fake” life. You go through the motions of what you ARE SUPPOSED to be doing and feeling, but are you being TRUE to YOURSELF? Something is missing in this puzzle. Only you can put it together. YOU WILL. π Btw…where is the LIST of the things that make you FEEL TRULY HAPPY? Are you DOING them now, like you say you are? Or are you saving them for another day and the right time? EVERYDAY do SOMETHING that truly makes you HAPPY! We need ya, Lynn! π YOU need YOU! π
Take good care!
Good morning, Lynn!
Thank you so much for this beautiful, raw post. Your blog is one of my favorites because you are so real. A few years ago my mother went through a rough patch and went on a low dose anti depressant. It really helped and after a while she didn’t need it anymore. I can totally relate as far as the relationship struggle. I was single for many years after divorcing and I didn’t understand why things didn’t work out for me when i wanted to connect with somebody more than anything. There was a happy ending though. I reconnected with an old friend in my late 40’s and we are happily married now, so hang in there and NEVER give up on love!!!!
Take care and know that we are all here cheering you on.
Jenny
Love your blog. You look awesome! Unfortunately, when I go low carb/high fat, my blood panel numbers go the bad direction. So, I do a more Mediterranean style lowish carb diet; lower in saturated fat, higher in the “good” fats such as olive oil, avocados, etc. Works for me.
Big hugs to you sweetie and good on your Dr. for recognizing your depression. I haven’t been here for awhile because I fell off the challenge and have been eating really bad. I blame it on hurricane Matthew who hit us hard and we were without power for days and a neighbor brought over a big dish of baked ziti for us! Who can turn that down? :), then since no power, there were a lot of sandwiches being made. It’s an excuse, I could have found something LC to eat but I wasn’t doing well on the diet anyway and just stopped trying. I too am prone to depression and being overweight makes me depressed as well, I probably should be on meds but don’t want to be.
You’re in my thoughts and prayers and I so hope you start feeling better.
hug,
Roye
Lynn, it sounds like you have a good doctor, but it’s up to you to decide if you need to take those pills. I’ve been on antidepressants for years (don’t EVER start on Cymbalta, the withdrawal is hell, I”m sure I’ll be on them the rest of my life). Do your research. You look great and I”m glad you are so healthy
Sweetie, I’ve been there before maybe with different reasons. I think you are doing a lot of the right things to take care of yourself. I have often wondered myself what would happen if I were sick when I was alone. Just a few days ago I was enduring stress at night alone with pain in my left arm and heartburn! Thank God I am still here! My daughter is single, alone, Starting over again and taking care of herself and experiencing a lot of the exact things you are, not wanting to have to do it alone. I am praying the right mate into her life and I told her just yesterday that he will come when it’s the right time. Praying for you today that you will have inner peace and strength until your right mate comes along!
Your post brought me to tears! I can completely empathize with what you wrote. I too, have essentially replaced not eating for emotional eating. I am making a promise to myself to track my food starting Monday because I now can go an entire day of a cheese wedge. I recently had a surgery that my neurologist (who is head of an university headache clinic) swore to me wouldn’t help me and was telling me that I needed to lose weight for a clinical trial (and she didn’t grasp the concept if I can’t move my head without pain then exercise was problematic) but the surgery did work and I spent months just waiting for it to fail and ate due to anxiety. I become depressed because of thinking of all the years I lost to migraines and actually wanted an antidepressant. My doctor said no because I seemed peppy and was still functioning but that was in the office not the other 23 hrs of the day. I ended up just increasing my tryptaphan and 5-htp in increase my serotonin (brain and behavior and pharmacology were my favorite classes in college) and it’s helped.
As a side note, the grass is always greener as far as sharing bacon π my son cooks his own food because he’s picky and the hubs is a typical workaholic who doesn’t eat breakfast and unless I want to eat at 11pm at night, it’s bacon for one π You are brave to share and I hope you recognize how helpful and important you’ve become to a keto newbie π
I have an appointment with my doctor this Thursday and the last time I was there my sugar was a little high and I had gained about 6 lbs from my last time. I am excited because I weighed myself last Friday and I have lost 8 lbs and I think that when I get in the scale I am hoping to be at least 12 lb less heavy than a year ago. I also love bacon but I am very careful with it. I only eat a piece with my eggs on Sunday, because that is the only day I eat breakfast with my husband, so I usually fix two eggs, two pieces of bacon and toast for him and I eat one egg with one piece of bacon and no toast. I still haven’t tried Keto snacks but I like Atkins snacks and they have very few net carbs, I love chocolate, that is my big problem, so Atkins has pretty good snacks that have chocolate, so that is my fix of the day. I was very proud of myself because I went to eat at IHOP with some friends and they all ordered pancakes, French toast, and fried mozarella sticks and I had a grilled chicken salad with pecans and a vinagrette dressing on the side, so I just put some for taste and I left the dressing cup 3/4 full. But on Thursday I went to lunch with my son, who is going through a rough time in his life, and I ate chips and salsa with my chicken tacos. I felt terrible that afternoon and my stomach was hurting, since I have not have Mexican food in a long time, but I got on the wagon the next day and I ate healthy again. Sometimes these things happen and you only have to let them go. Lynn, don’t feel bad because everyone goes through bad times sometimes. We just have to be positive and don’t get depressed or sad. Keep your posts coming, I love to read them because they are very uplifting. You are a brave person for sharing all this with so many people. Thank you.
Cecilia
Hi Lynn – I’ve been thinking about you all day since I read your post.
There is a current (today) post from Anne Lamott (the writer) on FB. Read it. It is right on the money with all you wrote.
Hang in there. There is so much support on this group you’ve created. There are a lot of like-minded people out there. This is the current generation of an extended family – when there was always someone around to listen and share.
You can do it.
Thank You so much for sharing Lynne and for your honesty. It is so easy to be perfect on the great World Wide Web. I so hear you. I am divorced 21 years my son is grown and married and I have 2 grandchildren. They are actually coming in 2 days for a visit…so exciting…. but in a couple of months they are moving to India for 4 years. Ack! I would also love to have someone to share my life with. It is hard being alone, even though I have good friends and a full life. I am a great cook, but I don’t want to cook just for me… or I don’t want to eat the same thing six times…. and No I will not freeze the leftovers. If I freeze them I will just thaw them out and then throw them out. So I just wanted you to know I appreciate you and am saying a prayer for you tonight.
Hi Lynn, you will probably begin to feel the effects of the medication around two weeks after you took first pill. .Please try not to anticipate fears re: medication. Sometimes our wiring gets messed up and meds just untangle them for us. Most of us require a little help in this area.It just helps to take the edge off Who ever said life was easy?? Hang in there , Look at all of these people pulling for you
Lynn
A easy way to have bacon. I buy 2 or 3 lbs at a time and bake in the oven in several batches until I have cooked it all. Put what I may eat in a week or 2 in a baggie in fridge. The rest goes in the freezer I put a few pieces together to kind of separate them with paper towels to easier separate out when I remove a few more next time. Easy to heat in a short time in micro.
I like the mess of cooking all at one time. I just like bacon and tomato together in a LC wrap or lettuce wrap with Mayo.
Lynn, my heart goes out to you as you weather this storm. And while I only know you virtually, I know that you are a strong, smart, and generous soul. And knowing a little bit about your history (you’ve thrived through SO MUCH in your young life), you know that everything in life is fleeting. Which means, this too shall pass. In the meantime, do what makes you happy, comforted and secure. Make as many lists as you want (if you want to see a hilarious panic attack, just watch me when I’ve misplaced one of mine!). Eat sausage (even if I don’t get the sausage over bacon thing π ). And get lots of hugs and snuggles from Slim. I think you’re a natural caregiver, like me, and we feel most fulfilled when we are caring for someone – especially a dog! This may sound silly coming from a stranger, but if you ever want to talk, I’d be honored. Or if you want someone to check in with you daily until you’re adjusted to your new meds, I’m up for that too. I just feel called in my heart to support you however I can. Besides, us chronic list makers, caretakers, and low carbers need to stick together! π
Thank you for sharing your story Lynn. You would be surprised at the number of people that go through some form of depression in their life, whether it is short term or long term. My friends saw that I was not my usual self and suggested I see my doctor. I too was put on an antidepressant for a few months. I was going through a horrible relationship at the time. Listen to your doctor, he or she knows best. It may take trying different medications to find one that works for you. You are an inspiration to many of us. When the time is right you will meet that special person to spend the rest of your life with. When that happens, it will be worth the wait!!!!
Lynn,
After reading all the posts above, I hope you know you are loved by this group. I want to get in my car and drive to you from Chapel Hill just to give you a hug and hang out, and tell you all will be well, but alas… life gets in the way. In the meantime, I’m sending you the words of a trusted friend — Anne Lamott. Here’s one of her many quotes:
βAnd I felt like my heart had been so thoroughly and irreparably broken that there could be no real joy again, that at best there might eventually be a little contentment. Everyone wanted me to get help and rejoin life, pick up the pieces and move on, and I tried to, I wanted to, but I just had to lie in the mud with my arms wrapped around myself, eyes closed, grieving, until I didnβt have to anymore.β
β Anne Lamott, Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son’s First Year
I think you might find her Facebook post from yesterday a helpful read.
https://www.facebook.com/AnneLamott/posts/965624710233839
I have been a follower of Anne Lamott for a number of years and found her writing to be both laugh-out-loud funny and brutally honest at the same time.
Hold fast… this too shall pass.
Wow. LYN…..I see a great outpouring of love abd support here for you. I think this is so great. π
Lynn,
Your post touched my heart and even though I haven’t responded until now, you’ve been in my thoughts constantly. As many of your followers have written, you’re very brave to share your hurt and “aloneness” with us. I admire your raw honesty. I could not–would not–be able to share like you have as I fear judgment from others and opening up makes me too vulnerable.
You’re so strong to reach out, and all of us want to help “fix” you. As I read the great suggestions from your followers, I see the love and caring we all feel for you. But, none of us is exactly like you and our remedies may well not be what you need to hear. We mean well, but each of us has to find our own way out of our personal hell so I’m not going to suggest any fixes. I just want you to know I’m here for you if you need/want to “talk,” that I’ve been through and am still going through some of what you describe, and that I don’t have any answers yet either. But, like you, I’m still optimistic that some day there will be a solution.
Losing friendships and having not one person in our lives to share our feelings with is the absolute worst part. Again, I admire your honesty and bravery in sharing your deepest thoughts and fears. I continue thinking about you and am praying for you, Lynn.
Wow, Lynn, what a brave thing to do. I follow a lot of low carb blogs, but I don’t feel like I “know” any of them except yours. Thank you for letting us into your life. You have become my daily inspiration and I look forward to you each an every day. I wish you luck on your journey. We are all here for you!!
Lynn, Hi. Yep on same drug and my doctor calls it Living Well with chemicals. I feel much better with it. I am the Director of Faith Formation at my church. so with God and the chemical and the woe I know I will be just fine. Hang in there. Hugs.
It took me a couple of days to be able to come back and respond, but I read every single one of your notes – twice (at least). I cannot even express the gratitude and appreciation I have felt… thank you so much. Thank you for taking the time, for your kind words, and for your ideas and thoughts. I’m processing them all. π
I’m feeling things out at the moment, processing my thoughts & emotions, pushing myself harder and going easier on myself – seeing which feels right – and just taking it one day at a time.
When I feel anxious or down or afraid, I get up and MOVE. When I feel tired I rest. Taking it one hour at a time is easier than one day at a time right now. π HUGS to you all. Thank you again…
One thing I do know is that my health is top priority right now while I get through this weird phase. I need to be strong, and FEEL strong – not add to the problem. On that note, this is a good read: http://www.travelinglowcarb.com/10307/stress-depression-dieting/
^ I wrote that last Spring at what now in hindsight I realize was the beginning of my withdrawing and isolating myself over the last 6’ish months. I hadn’t realized that until now, and kept feeling conflicted about why I was breaking commitments and ignoring invitations. So at least I’m on the good end of it now. Awareness is the first step to figuring out solutions…
Hello Lynne,
Thanks for sharing your heart with us, though you don’t see us we are all with you in your struggles and are routing for you in our hearts.
You mentioned getting your hormones in check, well maybe an antidepressant will help get the neurotransmitters in check, I wear corrective lenses, perhaps an antidepressant is just like glasses for your brain! The attitude I try to have towards life is to be realistic and yet remain idealistic to expect life to be difficult and disappointing but to remain positive and cheerful, listen to beautiful sounds and seek out enobling sights, remember all great men and women in history went through dark times in their lives, expect them know they will pass. Read biographies of great men and women especially the women scientists, they all struggled… we are not alone,….it just feels like it sometimes. Hope this helps, hugs to you my friend, we are walking with you.
Thank you for your very honest post! I have been on Zoloft for years and I get that “look” from doctor’s when I talk about going off of it. It’s so bad when they call you out on it and you burst into tears (confirming what they already knew!) DAMMIT! Oh well, I’m slowly losing on this WOE but haven’t been too strict as the NSV has been great. I feel great, my clothes are getting bigger and the hubby says it’s working! I started drinking Southern Breeze sweet tea about 2 months ago and haven’t had a soda yet! YAY! I have to water it down, and get my water in as well.
THANK YOU FOR WHAT YOU DO!
I feel you. I’m 46 yrs old and NEVER been married. Talk about depressing, lol. My daughter just got married October 1st so I’m having to learn to live without her. We are really close and she is literally my best friend. I have a best friend from school and lots of close friends, but I would ditch them all to spend time with her if given the choice. It’s always been that way. Just her and me. For 21 years. It’s been a process and im still working on my emotions, but you’re so right being alone sucks. I’ll be praying for you!
You should come to Maui Lynn! It’s time.. It’d be a great and amazing get away you will absolutely love it, it will change your perspective, think about it, girl I’ve gone through what you are experiencing, don’t cry and don’t give up, travel more often, don’t be so hard on yourself! You deserve an emotional break and you don’t have to be so perfect, you are only human, don’t beat yourself up…. I learned a few good lessons, life is about taking chances, do it all, do it differently, it’s ok! I took prozac for a phase of my life, was an amazing drug, but after a while I couldn’t see anymore results, so I had to stop taking it… It was keeping me up at night, but was great while the good effect lasted.
I’ve been in your shoes, one too many times, things weren’t working out for me, so I put a lot of stuff into perspective and made an inventory list, I started looking at stuff that was not and had not worked for me for many years, I’m 47 years old…. I went from being very successful to almost nothing, I had to make many changes in my live, hard ones and very risky ones too… I went through tough tough, serious tough times… I still struggle a lot with my weight and has gotten harder. You got this! Love and finding it takes time, but we do have to do our part, cultivate it, look for it, make it happen….. by remaining open and optimistic… You look amazing and you are very active, you are also very blessed! Keep up the good work…. What happened to Joe?
Hey Lynn, thanks for your transparency and honesty about what’s going on in your life!
I also battled depression for years and was embarrassed about it. I exercised, took supplements, went to church and sang in the choir but I was still sad. Back then sure was slim but still had to work on what I ate. It was always a battle.
One day about nine years ago I was invited to a Life Recovery group. I had heard about it several years before but didn’t feel like I wanted to share my problems with a group. Besides I was handling it on my own wasn’t I?
But that invitation came at the right time. It was a God thing. I too had been on several anti depressants and they were not working and I felt like I was spiraling down the drain. Limp, no energy, seclusion, didn’t clean the house.
To make a long story short and very happy… going through that group counseling, healed me. I wasn’t just depressed, there was a root cause for the depression and it was anger. The process showed me exactly what I needed to work on and what to let go of and how.
I have gone on to teach others the same steps for healing and you can see mine and their testimonies here…
http://followpeace.xyz
Life is a struggle and a group of live friends gathered around you, Sharing similar experiences is a big strength!
Blessings I hope you find peace, joy and contentment
Thank you, Teryan! π
Hi Lynn – I hope this note finds you well. You’ve helped me through some really tough times and I know this was from 2 years ago but I’m reading through my old emails – I’m having a weird day lol – and came across this and just wanted to say THANK YOU for who you are, what you’ve done for so many of us and for your transparency through it all. I truly hope you are doing well and think of you often. Happy Tuesday pretty lady.
Thank you so much Amy. π It made my day to hear from you!! How have you been??
As an update to this post… the Celexa never worked. My doctor ended up switching me to Lexapro six months later, which ruined my vision within weeks of starting it. So now I wear glasses – and jokingly say, “now I’m sad AND blind.” haha π
I’m doing good all things considered. Still lonesome and still working through it. I’m in the middle of another big “Life Makeover Project” and feeling excited about the New Year ahead. π What about you??
Well that sounds SUPER annoying to have your vision screwed with because of that medication – what BS!! I don’t mean to be negative but going to the doctor really bums me out it always feels like they just don’t care enough…ugh.
I’m doing pretty good as well. I’m also still working on improving every day. Some times it’s just start over start over start over but as long as we keep trying we are succeeding I think? I’m also looking forward to getting through the holidays (ugh) and the new year. I’ve made a lot of positive changes and am excited to make more. Maybe this summer we can find a way to meet up and hike together lol. Happy Thanksgiving Lynn. Thanks for all you are for so many of us π
That would be fun! Happy Thanksgiving to you as well. π
I’m glad to hear things are going well and you’re consistently working on improving… that’s been the key for my happiness.
I’m in MAKE THINGS HAPPEN mode so getting excited about the New Year for sure! And especially the results. π *cheers*
p.s. I’m enjoying my new glasses at least!